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Tween Changes
The middle-school years are watershed years in a family. Starting around ages 10 or 11, they and their friends begin to have shared values and perceptions of the world. A child's perception of his or her parents changes around the same time, as well. Children in this age group start challenging their parents.
Tweens often don’t get all the reinforcing feedback they got when they were younger. Parents tend to back off when their children get to be middle-school aged, yet the tweens are still desperate for information.
A lot of middle-school children do openly talk to their parents, especially about social and sexual issues. Social issues, sexual changes and interest in the opposite sex are big topics and parents tend to underestimate them. Before tweens feel comfortable talking about the big stuff like sex, drugs, and violence, they've got to talk about small stuff, like cheerleading practice.
Tweens are socially very sensitive. They're much more aware of losing face than a younger child. Some of the best communication you can have is when you're not squared off at a table looking at your child, but when you're peeling carrots or driving.
Good Communication
Parents and tweens fail to properly communicate for a variety of reasons. Emotions may take over. Improper words are used. Insults fly. Interruptions occur. Feelings get hurt. The parties fail to feel respected. The conversation turns into a lecture. A power struggle develops. Communication becomes competition.
Listening is the key to good communication. Listen to what is being said. Try to understand the tween's feelings and where he or she is coming from. To make sure your child knows you are listening, stop what you are doing. Give your child your full attention.
Be sure most of your communication is positive. Don't dwell on mistakes, failures or misbehaviors. Give your child positive feedback and talk about successes, accomplishments, interests, and appropriate behavior. Have conversations with them when you are not trying to make a point, to teach them something, or to impress them. Talk to them just to talk and to have positive verbal interaction.
Avoid talking too much. Giving long or too-detailed explanations, repeating lectures, questioning excessively, or using other forms of communication will result in the child turning a deaf ear to you. Just try to understand the tween's feelings without necessarily agreeing or disagreeing. Do not try to explain away emotions. Understanding how your child feels may be the primary comfort that is needed.
Do not overreact to what is said. Remember, sometimes tweens say things that are designed to get a reaction from their parents. In addition, do not say "no" too fast. Sometimes it is better to think about the request and give a response later.
Try to avoid power struggles, confrontation, and arguing matches. Your goal should be to have the communication move toward a compromise situation, rather than a battle. When appropriate, involve your child in decision making and setting consequences for his or her behavior.
Say What You Mean
Often what you say is not specific enough, so your child will hear something different. If you use the words “always” or “never,” the child will dismiss it as the lie that it is. A good template, free of blame and offering a solution is:
“When you ______, it makes me feel _____. I would rather that you __________.”
Consider these examples:
You say: You always tie up the phone.
They hear: You are bad. You have no rights.
Instead say: When you stay on the phone too long, I worry that we may miss an important call. I would rather that you limit your calls to 10 minutes or less.
You say: Watch your language!
They hear: I’m not going to listen to you anymore.
Instead say: When you use that word, it offends me. I would rather talk to you without either of us using bad language.
This takes practice. It also takes thought. When a topic is one that may push your “hot” buttons, take special care to choose your words carefully. The model that you provide your child for communication will be a great gift for the rest of his or her life!
Parenting Tips
Set aside time to talk to your child. Seize every opportunity.
Listen. Listen. Listen.
Ask for your child’s opinions on issues, but never tell them the opinion is wrong.
Never interrupt your child.
Pay attention to the small talk.
Use these words every day:
Thank you.
Tell me more.
You can do it.
Please.
Can I help?
Good job.
I love you.
Have dinner at the table so the entire family can talk.
Turn off the television during conversation time.
Laugh daily with your child.
Ask your child specific questions about the day’s events, feelings and plans.
Praise your child’s efforts, not his or her traits.
Be specific in telling your child what you expect, what you like or what you dislike.
Don’t make faces or roll your eyes when your child is talking to you.
Never discuss another family member’s personal circumstances with your child. Don’t tell secrets.
Have important discussions when tensions are low and emotions are stable.
Stop a conversation immediately if you or your child gets upset. Take a time out.
Have honest discussions about drugs, alcohol, sex, eating disorders, stress, fears and peer pressure.
Be willing to admit when you are wrong.

21st Century Community Learning Centers of Elmore County Public Schools
Eclectic Middle School Site Director: La’Tresia Robinson 170 South Ann Street Eclectic, AL 36024 334-541-2131
Holtville Middle School Site Director: Amy Stewart 655 Bulldog Lane Deatsville, AL 36022 334-569-1596
Millbrook Middle-Junior High School Site Director: Ayena Jackson 4228 Chapman Road Millbrook, AL 36054 334-285-2100
Wetumpka Middle School Site Director: Ewell Fuller 1000 Micanopy Street Wetumpka, AL 36092 334-567-1413
21 CCLC Project Office Project Administrator: Carol Kelly ECTC - 800 Kelly Fitzpatrick Drive PO Box 817 Wetumpka, AL 36092 334-399-4013
The 21st Century Community Learning Centers (21CCLC) initiative is the only federal funding source dedicated exclusively to after school programs. An initiative of the NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND act, the 21CCLC programs of Alabama are supervised and administered by the Federal Programs department of the Alabama State Department of Education.

10

It’s Apparent!

Communicating
With Tweens

Elmore County 21st Century Community Leaning Center Parenting Tips #10